Recruit survival guide (politically correct remix)

I got into a fair amount of hot water over the original Recruit Survival Guide, prompting me to assign the post the algorithmically unbreakable password of YatYas98 and rewrite it to appease softer hearts. I blame the tree-hugging, save-the-whales, why-can’t-we-just-all-get-along, make-love-not-war whistle blowers, not my command who had to take action. Everything you see in brackets –>[ ]<-- is the politically correct edit, modified appropriately to prevent any hurting-of-butts in today's overly sensitive society.

I must remind you, loyal jaymekohler.com fans, that my site is in no way endorsed by the United States Marines Corps nor are my opinions necessarily that of the United States Marine Corps. I could add any number of legal mumbo-jumbo paragraphs, but you get my drift.

Let the record show that today's Marine Corps recruits are treated with the utmost respect and courtesy. In fact, they are not yelled at, ordered around, stressed, or in any way removed from their individual comfort zones. Rest assured, America, that your precious 18 year old sons are living the good life. I fabricated the entire post and nothing is even remotely true or accurate because I exaggerate and lie to gain attention.

Let me also say that these same methods were used to train the boys/men who raised the flag on Iwo Jima, stormed the beaches of Inchon, and rushed the wheat fields of Belleau Wood. We don't speak German or Japanese because we trained recruits with sensitivity and care.

Perception is for those too stupid to get the facts.
- Unknown

But before I get really pissed off and belligerent, here it is…

This [solely opinionated] guide on surviving Marine Corps recruit training serves as a cheat sheet of sorts, bulging with tips and tricks proven to impress, astound, and appease drill instructors depot-wide and rocket you to positions of leadership and privilege like no other. It targets those in the civilian sector ballsy enough to step on [the] yellow footprints. Lastly, this guide is by no means exhaustive. It contains enough of what you need to know to turn a thirteen week [misperceived phrase] cycle into hedonist bliss.

1. The words “I” and “we” and “they” are no longer in your vocabulary. It’s now “this recruit” and “these recruits” and “those recruits.” Third person speech and third person only. Everyone else will be referred to by full title and rank. For example, I am drill instructor Gunnery Sergeant Kohler. Not “you.” “You” sounds like “ewe” and that’s a female sheep. You won’t make that mistake twice.
2. You will be at the position of attention whenever you speak to a drill instructor. The position of attention is the basic military position. This indicates that you are alert and ready for instructions. Bring your left heel against the right. Turn you feet out equally to form an angle of 45 degrees. Keep you heels on the same line and touching. Your legs will be straight but not stiff at the knees. Keep your hips and shoulders level and your chest lifted. Your arms will hang naturally, thumbs along the trouser seams, palms facing inward toward your legs, and fingers joined in their natural curl. Keep your head and body erect. Look straight ahead. Keep your mouth closed and your chin pulled in slightly. Stand still and do not talk.
3. And I do mean stand still. Don’t eyeball the area. Don’t wiggle your fingers. Don’t play with your uniform. Don’t scratch your face. Don’t brush the sand flea off you ear. Don’t move.
4. Your bed is now called a rack. The bathroom is now the head. The floor is now the deck. The wall is now the bulkhead. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are now morning chow, noon chow, and evening chow. Ask the drill instructor just once if “I can use the bathroom before dinner” and see what happens.
5. “Aye sir” “Yes sir” and “No sir” will be your only responses unless more is demanded.

What’s that? You didn’t say anything. Say aye sir!

6. When a drill instructor says something, you say something. And you will say it with volume and intensity. When in doubt, scream “aye sir!” as loud as you can.
7. Everything you say and do will be loud and intense. When you scream, there will be spit flying out of your mouth and veins bulging out of your neck. If you want to give the drill instructor a kiss, simply talk soft and sweet and he’ll hook you up.
8. You will render the proper greeting of the day whenever you’re near a drill instructor. A proper greeting is “Good morning- afternoon- evening- sir!” As a general rule of thumb, if you can see him, you should scream. I don’t care if he’s low crawling across the parade deck in his underwear. Just do it.

Stop [darn] moving around! Now scream aye sir!

9. Run everywhere you go. Move with a sense of purpose, like the mission you’re about to accomplish is the most important thing in your life. I don’t care if you’re restocking [bad word for poop] paper. That [bad word for poop] paper will get 100% of your attention and energy and will be the most squared away [bad word for poop] paper in the company.
10. Volunteer for everything. When the drill instructor says he needs recruits, your [bad word for butt] will be flying through the air screaming “This recruit sir!” at the top of your lungs.
    Volunteering will get you in good with the drill instructors, so when a real [bad word for crappy] job comes along they probably won’t pick you. But then again, they probably will, just because they know you can get the job done without screwing it up.

When I say something you say something! Open your disgusting mouth!

11. You will not offer excuses for anything. If you break your leg halfway through the obstacle course, don’t point at the wound and whine when the drill instructor calls you a [bad word for cat] and screams at you to finish. Just spring to your feet, ignore the blinding pain and jagged edges of ruined flesh, and pray the Corpsman stops things before a bone fragment punctures your femoral artery and you bleed out like a Christmas dinner hog.

So we’ve got a volume problem, huh? We don’t wanna scream? Open your fat face!

12. Regardless of your position in formation, the squad bay, or on the PT field, you are being watched by the drill instructor. There is nothing you can get away with that hasn’t already been tried by thousands of recruits before you. If you’re on the opposite side of formation and decide to dig in your filthy face, you—

    I said stop [darn] moving! I just finished saying you’re always being watched and you wanna scratch? Well, you ain’t done! Keep scratching! Make it feel good!

    You’re going to be caught. You’re not sneaky, and the drill instructor will slay you at his earliest convenience if you try some dumb bullshit.

13. Accept the following as fact and recruit training will be that much easier:
    • Your girlfriend is cheating on you. Probably with your “best friend” who you told to “look after her” while you were gone.
    • No one actually cares you’re in boot camp [Everyone cares and they love you and miss you]. While you sweat, strain, train, and tremble through weeks of rigorous recruit [heck], they’re shopping, going to movies, getting [birds and bees stuff], and drinking beer whenever the [heck] they want. Because they can.
    • You will experience the entire spectrum of human emotion, often in as short a time as a two hour combat endurance course, for example. These emotions include, but are not limited to [assorted emotions] while sand encrusted snot strings cling stubbornly to your cheeks as you scream for water, ice cold delicious water, and reach out desperately for the nearest drill instructor who is gulping greedily from his Camelbak drinking tube, to please please help me for the love of God I can’t drag him any further [text omitted due to perceived disturbing mental images].
    • You will never be good enough to be in my beloved Corps. But that doesn’t mean stop trying, [an animal with a curly tail and prone to sunburns (also where pork comes from)].
14. Don’t take anything personal. When the drill instructor calls you [assorted names] who has no business in Marine Corps recruit training, shrug it off (emotionally, of course), strive to be better and carry on smartly. Take no offense when the drill instructor kindly enquires about your family [text omitted due to perceived disturbing mental images]. But if you find the steely gaze of a drill instructor upon you, with his cold, calculating eyes, always watching, always judging, sizing you up for the next slaughter, take heed. You see, he truly, deeply, and completely hates you [he doesn't actually truly hate you, it just read well] with every fiber of his being because you’ve taken him far, far away from the Marines he loves, the Marines he’s trained and fought alongside. You’ve replaced them, instead, with your eighteen years of attitude, immaturity, disrespect, lawlessness, jackassery, and undisciplined wa—

And you’re still [bad word] moving around, you disgusting [not really disgusting], brainless [not really brainless] [bad word for female dog]